hold me close

Ja,

It’s been a long strange journey hasn’t it? There have been too many nay-sayers in my life, too many happenings that were just plain detrimental to getting anything accomplished. In back of those, you helped me face those people and those things and pass through or by them. I can’t believe that I’ve done what I did, and did it as well as I did. Now, it’s the culmination of efforts, the degree that I’ve my eyes on, and perfection can wait until life itself is almost perfect. I want to say so much, so much “thank you” and I haven’t a clue as to how to do so because it is such an immense task. I know that I wouldn’t be sending out this invite without you, and that’s a fact. It would have been far too difficult to try this on my own, and I think it would have been hard for anyone. So, your help has been invaluable.

______________

<- this is me now... hmp.

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At the end of my first attempt to a "supposed new journey in life", I just caught my eyes drooped thru the corridors of the “undecided”, I sat down and wrote these words ...

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Plenty to do, but nothing is done,
I'm too busy now … oh, I gotta run.
I can't look around, must keep on the ball,
I cannot look back 'cause I don't wanna fall

The clock on the wall it keeps up the beat,
but somehow it seems I am losing my feet

Oh, where will it all end? Where will it all end?

Sounds like confusion, huh? Yeah, it was ... but I am glad for the confusion of that part of my life. The real tragedy would be to forget it, for as Trinity told Neo (in the movie, Matrix): "You've been down that road before and you know where it leads." I've seen that road come up so many times since then. I'm only glad that I have learned to recognize it before I find myself too far down it each time. :)

Life begets life. You know what I think? hmmmm I'm gonna tell you anyway! :) I think we've been trained to listen for the wrong stuff (you know things such as "hearsay; gossips; blah-blah"). But we're trying to find that ONE "proof" that will break through so we can concentrate on the argument instead of the fact that this is SIMPLY a thing or a person who is caught up in human reasoning and confusion JUST LIKE WE HAVE BEEN MOST OF OUR LIVES. I think we study "apologetics" mostly to keep ourselves convinced that "we're right and their wrong". Well, don't get me wrong... I love a lot of the stuff I learned from my collegiate career, but I have realized on what's the purpose of living thru this life, that it was mostly for ME and that I just wanted others to sense that same confidence I gained from it.

You know what I discovered? After MANY encounters, much like you have described, I came to realize that I was missing the simplicity of life and freedom. I came to see that THEY were just like ME: Struggling, trying to "please God", hoping to win a "victory", desirous to take news back to their peers that they won over one of those "hard core" people. But as the reality, Jaja (my best buddy) began to give me confidence in a totally different way. I was able to really listen to such people as being filled with the same kind of agendas as the rest of humanity... the same kind of agendas I knew and understood. I learned to listen to their words without getting thrown off by the pretense of their claims. And the bottom line is??? ... we are not bound by law, but by the chains of love alone.

Accept the fact that sometimes other people's words would cut you like a knife. But you should never be disheartened. Listen to the voice inside of you. Sometimes words just can not express our feelings. Sometimes our actions are much more meaningful than words. A hug can sometimes express more than our words will ever express. Sometimes, just being there to listen is more meaningful and helpful to others.

_ash

closing cycles

one always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages that we have to go through.

closing clycles, shutting doors, ending chapters... whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave the past behind... the moments of life that have finished.

did you lose your job? having a loving relationship come to an end? did you leave your parents' house? gone to live abroad? has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

you can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. you can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

but such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your partner, your friends, your relatives, sister, brothers, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

none of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. what has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescence, sons, daughters that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. that is why it is so important (however painful it maybe) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

let things go. release them. detach yourself from them. nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, and nothing else.

nothing is more dangerous that not accepting love, relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished. tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. nothing is irreplaceable. a habit is not a need. this may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

closing cylces. not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

______

so long,
♥ ash