brOken pLanS

Life frightens me again. Actually I'm terrified, and I don't know where the unpredictability of things will finally lead me. That's where my angst lies; in the fact that I don't have full control. I like to say that I hate to plan my life, and I do, but suddenly my lack of planning leaves me in a situation like this. In a situation that will show just how dependent I am of people around me. A dependence I hate to recognize. Maybe I hate planning my life as long as the days look the same. As long as I can feel secure with not planning.

a dReam...

A dream broke my heart once. It was such a beautiful dream. I was so happy and things were like I had wished for them to be for so long. I should have understood that it couldn't have been true. The dream led me astray and when I woke up to reality I got so sad. The fiction my mind had created was what I wanted, and not real life. The dream broke my heart by teasing my senses with a utopia. In the end that would mean that my brain was playing with itself. What good is that? Why would my brain want to hurt itself like that? Hurt me. It seems so destructive. I don't think I learnt anything from it. I'm not so sure there was anything to be learnt either. Maybe my subconscious want to give me a kick in the right direction, making me aware of how unhappy I truly am at present? There's something better out there for me, somewhere. I just have to go looking for. Maybe that was what it was trying to tell me? You could expect any part of your brain to know yourself better than that though.

-.-

sTory of PoChoLA my doGg!e

This is my PuPpy nAmed: POCHOLA
♥ an American CocKer sPaniEL brEed
♥ bOrn: OctobEr 19, 2005
♥ bougHt last January 15, 2006 at my aunties tOwn -Butuan City, tiMe whEn i was havin my vAcation at Dapitan City. i Have been to Dakak and RizaL Shrine too.





















bang! bang! bang! pochola is DEAD (actually just playing dead! hehe


sHe looks like this wHen wEt. looKS L!KE DoGgiE on the sTreets. hahah begGin foR a piEce of bRead. alms... alms.. (lol)

this is Jose RizaL's Cr!B
at Dapitan City

My Alma Matter

HeYYA pEepaH. watap watap! This is my ColleGe pix!

Batch 2003
NotRe Dame of Dadiangas University

From Down-Left: Jimnard, Joyax, Melai, Dalen, ME, Marj, Jakie, Malulu, Paler, Mersay

From Upper-Left: Arnel, Juanits, Junni, Sheila, Alvin, Joel, Fidel, & Me-ann oops.. someone is missing ... eto tlaga si Helen.. nawawala cguro dahil mi kadate -heheheeh

Finally, we're ComPLete in dz pix... it's bEcause it's oUr f!nal examination on MAS. this was the fiNaL espiSode of our coLLege Life and we SURPASSED all the haRdships that BSAccountancy coursE brOught iNto our LiVes.

♥

AfteraLL we are The sUrvivors!!

For moRe deTails, cLicK thiS j0eL

♥

tHe AccOuntAnts k!osk

♥

tHe f!nAL pArty @ sPr!ngh!LL

Be gone by the summer wind

Remember the saying, be careful of expressing what you don’t like because it might just fall onto your lap just when you least expect it to happen? Well I guess it got to me.

Together with summers scorching heat, that certain feeling came (I think it was Love but I’m quite apprehensive to label it as such.) Love’s blushed beckoned and it was too late when I realized that I willed myself to be seduced to its searing finiteness. It came like a wild flower, growing in the midst of a blooming friendship; a dew on a budding rose, mornings first light cascading into our room, a simple glace that meted a warm smile and started the first hello. Serendipity? It must be!

There he was sixty kilometers away from me. We had a few good laughs over some things and it was enough to get us talking. It was like yesterday and the ‘morrows meeting on the present; March and December bridged by the preceding February; a linking of two souls to usher a budding friendship.

We talked joked, exchanged opinions and other observations. We were as different as night and day, but common pursuits and similar passions shoved as to meet in the middle. Ours had the makings of a good friendship and we were closed of being best buddies. But friendship became a blur as I was seized with what-ifs and what-could-have-been from him. Already he has fallen and I became confused.

He was almost perfect sweet, smart, mature, caring and brimming with humor. Almost perfect! but not quite because perfection does not exist. If it does then pain would be synonymous to bliss. To have him won’t be right, but to Love him is not wrong either.

And so ‘tis head I chose to heed and I avoided the delicate trappings of that certain feeling, which now I’m definite its love. We could have continued being friends, but fate destined with March’s end come his goodbye, and so I let him into a secret. Goodbye’s failed to make me cry.

It was another bruises that is yet to heal, as another gash on an already they thought a bleeding heart. I tripped and would have suffered a bad fall, that my well-scarred knee failed to bend and cushioned the fall. And so I was hurt, my pride did! But I wouldn’t want him to know.

People have been walking in and out of my life, sometimes slamming the door right onto my face and every time, it hurts- a lot. It was awful enough that I knew how a sprained heart felt, and then he came and splintered it into a pile of powdery tissue by uttering the seven letter word GOODBYE.

So I was left to wonder if it would be possible for a heart that suffered a lot to be whole again. Well, I guess so. It has happened before, for many different reasons, now is no different. After all, these too will pass.

I might as well get used to it. Be thankful and feel blessed for the few souls who have chosen to stay, friends who kept me afloat, and kept me in their hearts. It was a comforting thought, a phrase well said, but not enough to soothe the fragmented pain that has fractured my heart. Maybe after the pain has lapsed.

I wanted to scream but no voice, nor any kind of sound croaked out of my throat. I wanted to text, to write and put into words the hurt that has been reverberating inside my cranium, sending echoes into crevices I have forgotten to exist. But no words came out as I struggled with my pen.

I am seized with a wailing that screamed in every pore of my body. I tried to exhale the bottled hurt that has snuggled at the pit of my stomach but it refused to be plucked just as easily. And so in the deepened shadows of our room, I almost stifled my cries.

The streaming tears that might stain my already pallid face did little to quell the incessant throbbing of my heart. Summer’s heat blistered me too well…left me burnt, shaken, but just enough to survive.

The beauty of the feeling filled my heart with bliss, so brief that I barely had the chance to cup it in my hands and feel the fluttering of its magical wings. It was pure joy, Fleeting, Brief, Enchanting…

Love took me on a momentary flight, but left me a moment to cherish. In the pockets of my mind, it has found its place. In the chambers of my heart, it has carved its niche, and in my solitude has named its silence.

It brought me tears but left a smile on my lips, faith in my judgment and hope in my heart that maybe; I’d meet love again at the road’s next bend.

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PS: This piece was written by me(myself) last April 2005:

Ash

about ME ^^

♥ i think. i speak. i write. ♥

best buddies often thought that am someone who has a good head on her shoulders and feet firmly planted on the ground. (o__0) hmp. (jeeh- -ambot lang) heheh. hmm Just call me ASHELY or simply ASH. I grew up thinking I was a freak but then I realized that it's totally OK to be different. hehe. hmp. :-) i live in the Southbound of Mindanao, Pi. Am not much interesting person to know but definitely extraordinary and sensible. Not particularly romantic but interested in action. I mean business. What I see is what I get. (a brat.. bwahah!) Sometimes i have no patience and can't be bothered with someone trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. I am an up front person. I appear to be passionate and being much more adventurous. Actually, I'm not a party animal but I can be when occasion demands. I'm not the type of girl who goes out on weekends. I don't need to be with friends more often and go to bars to have fun. I prefer to stay home then watch movies and surf the net, or go to my fave food shops near my house to refresh and unwind, and read a lot.

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I graduated from Notre Dame of Dadiangas College (..now a UNIVERSITY) with a degree in Accountancy, and hopefully be one of the next year's (2007) Mindanao State University or MSUans law student or (if by chance) a UP-Dil's wannabe, aspiring to top the bar in year 2012 (eii, jk only) ^_^ but half true hehee. Don't you know that "school" is one of my biggest frustration? Know why? Because i'm the youngest freak in the family and the only daughter ever alive. I really wanted to enroll myself in one of the prestigous schools here in Pi like UP, La Salle, Mapua, Adamson, San Beda... just like those but my parents especially my father didn't allow me to spend my college that far unlike my two big bros because "i'm a girl" and my parents thinks that i need to be taken care of. So, for me, it'll remain just a "dream", a dream that has "zero" possibilities.

But right now, i got the job at stake and been giving me enough paveway to soar up high. wohoooh. Lucky enough! and I consider success when you've earned the respect of the people you look up to and seeing them as a role model to which persuades me to go further and do better things. There's no end to what all of us can do for others. So dont give up. But there's this quote sayin... "winners never quit, and quiters never win, so those who never quits and never wins are idiots". hahah, so life is never perfect at all, as what i'm sayin, i'm just behind imperfection. ^^ But when I feel like giving up, I just tell myself to just do it. Because I know afterwards that it'll feel better than I stuck through it and didn't allow things to just pass me by.

And my significance should not be based on my accomplishments or other people's opinions. As long as I'm doing what's right, the Lord will accept me. I once thought I needed a position or title to feel important, but it's not necessary at all.

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...the pillars of my life are my family and my friends. without them i would not be who i am today. i'm often misunderstood but to be honest i don't care what other people say as long as i know the truth and i've got the people i love by my side. i believe that when you love someone nothing is too difficult or impossible to overcome. i believe that it's not just love that holds a friendship together but respect as well because when you respect a person everything else will follow. i would risk life and limb for those i love, and remain passionate about my beliefs because a life without passion is a life without purpose. we can have the most trivial conversation or go into the depths of our minds, all i need to see is the truth in your eyes and i will trust you, the same way i hope you'll trust me. if you get to know me as well. ^^

On the other side, i love POLITICS and be the HOPE of my country someday. i always have clean intention and flexible in attitude, i love to mingle or deal with different peeps especially to the masses. i love helping out in my own special way but up to the extent of my capability. i love meeting you and be my friend. take note, ♥ JUST FRIENDS ♥

However, I don't go around advertising these qualities. My physical needs are my primary concern.

Take care ol of ya pEepaH. Hope it's worth ur while stayin here in my website! ^^

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♥♥♥

Ashely

WELCOME TO MY PAGE

I don't know what brought you to my site, but maybe you believe as I do that everything happens for a reason. As you continue to read on, you may sense a knowing that it is your time to accelerate past, those old patterns that keep you stuck. I was always very sure of what I wanted to do when I was a kid. It was very comforting and I was filled with the purpose of that aim. Sure, the actual thing I was going to do changes every 2 or 3 times as I progressed but the certainty of the chosen thing stuck with me for those few years until it morphed. Shortly before I left school and was due to enter the world of work I lost that sense of certainty. I had begun to ask questions about life and the meaning of it all -- and I began seeking the ultimate purpose and my particular 'mission', my ideal work.

♥

Having a peculiar capacity to see myself in all kinds of situations, I rapidly became very confused and remained in that confusion for many time. Even today I still feel it, like a cloud obscuring my future. I looked for someone to solve this dilemma for me. Someone who could tell me the secret of my life. In an amazingly short time I went from being in an unhealthy relationship to finding my life partner but it doesn't work well that way. I always believed there was but one sky. Though blind to the future, I take the road not marked on my map. I believe there'll be a new sky somewhere beyond loneliness and our footsteps continue under separate skies. "Sayonara", I told him, til' our fate reunites. Afew months back I quit my job that was draining all my energy. The more I looked for The Answer, the less likely it seemed I would ever find it. And all my looking, all my waiting for the answer to manifest, led me to what to most is the obvious answer: There is no purpose. Life couldn't give a flying fig of what I do. The only purpose life 'cares' about is procreation... my biological purpose is to procreate and further the continuation of the species. Do I just roll over and die?

♥

All of a sudden I was able to do the things that I wanted with my time. So I find myself in this scrumptious moment - right NOW! - realizing that "Life" doesn't care what I do (I know that by the fact that I can choose to do or not to do). Not only that but really my family, friends and associates don't care what I do. Because everyone is living the ME experience and can never really totally care about someone else's choices. Other people come and go, but "I" remain. So, the only person who really cares what I do and what happens to me... is ME! Everyone is on their own special journey that we call life, but as different as each journey is, there is an underlying map that ties every journey together like the rivers that connect the small streams to the ocean. The fact that you are here searching for answers means that you are ready to take action. There is no reason to settle for something less than what you want your life to look like. Earlier to this, I noticed that I was hypersensitive to senseless noise. I regularly yell at noisy things. I drive without the radio on, and this unnerves people who know me well, as I am normally a chatterbox. But sometimes the joy of being a chatterbox is in those times you are silent. I like silence just as well as I like the sound of my own voice. I like hearing my own thoughts. I like stillness, and being alone doesn't unnerve me as badly as it does other people. Silence allows me to be more of myself, and when you are no longer afraid of that, that's when you discover that you have the room to think, to grow, and to be. So, in a way, I welcome the prospect of temporary deafness. It saves me from having to disembowel people on a regular basis, and best of it all, it keeps me sane in a society obsessed with noise. So keep track on what makes you happy and be progressive. Don't learn to do, but learn in doing. Let your falls not be on a prepared ground, but let them be bona fide falls in the rough and tumble of the world.

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duo xie pengyu

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WELCOME TO MY SITE *.*

♥

ASH