the RIGHT man

If men were like buses, how do you catch one? A more important question is - how do you catch the RIGHT one? Simple: You take only the bus that's headed the RIGHT direction. First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before its made on an emotional one.

What about love?, you ask. I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer 17:9). The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently - it just loves to love! Therefore you have to point it in the right directions: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).

Whenever you meet a man, you need to get clearance from God, check out his attributes, and then allow your heart to engage. Dating exists not for mating; it exists for collecting data. I believe that the biblical design would be friendship, courtship and then marriage.

Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively - it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage. But dating? Well, if you do date, use the time wisely to gather facts. So when you do gather facts, let us compare the process to clothes shopping.

1. Check out the fabric. Is the person mate material? Does this man have an intimate relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ? Does he care what God thinks about his behavior? Is he accountable to God as well as another colaborer in the faith?

Accountability is an important factor. It is imperative to maintaining a committed relationship. Is your potential spouse a member of the same family - the family of God? Scripture is clear on this: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Cor 6:14). You need to have common interest and values and agree on the essentials of living day to day. You have a similar spiritual walk. You eat the same diet. You enjoy a lot of similar things. You have like interests, like goals in life, like opinions on basic life issues. You have had like experiences in your background. Though there is some truth to the idiom that opposites attract, like-minded folks fare better together. Furthermore, does he want to get married? If you want to be married and your dreamboat isn't interested, don't waste your time. Remember, women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife. Note the difference in order. So if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious, take his words seriously. If he's not going your direction, get off the bus & wait for the right one.

2. Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you and God's hand in the relationship will be clear. No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord"( Prov 18:22). Note -who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men & women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam has no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy because he's shy. Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want. The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. Many a woman's mother has suggested that it is a good idea to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. As cold as that sounds, it actually might be scriptural if you stop to think about it: "We love him because he first loved us" (1 Jn 4:19). Until then, take the ultimate chill pill. You don't need a bunch of men in your life to make you feel all right about yourself. You need only one man-your man, the one God has selected to select you. And trust me, the right man at the wrong time can be just as awful as the wrong man at any time. So trust God's timing in this. He is the ultimate matchmaker. Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again - WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you - this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.

3. The man in your life should not desire to move into your house, only into your heart. A man who prepares for your future has made his intentions clear. A man who is husband material has the means to take care of a wife. He is a responsible human being who understands he needs to have something to offer. In short, a man should have the means to be suitable over for you.

4. Check out his buddies. Everyone knows birds of the same feather flock together, yet most women fail to see the connection between a man and his friends. A man's pals tell you a lot about the person that you haven't seen yet. They reveal things about the guy's character that might be hidden when he is on good behavior. Everyone knows how to put his best foot forward. Don't stay focused on the foot, check out the rest of the body!

5. Check out his relationship with his mother. How does he treat her? This is your preview of how he will treat you. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. Unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife.

6. Remember that a man's family reveals the cloth from which he's cut. Take note and decide whether you want your future with the man in your life to look like his present family situation.

7. Check out the patterns of his life. Do you see repeated cycles of drama in his personal kingdom? broken relationships? problems in making commitments? Including the job market? mood swings? Is a problem always someone else's fault? Does he embrace responsibility or shirk it? Does he keep his promises? Is he a man of good reputation? Remember all garments look wonderful hanging in the store, but with wear, some began to unravel. Give yourself time and space to checkout the man in your life. Time will always reveal whether or not he is made of the right stuff.

8. Does this man have a vision for his life? Is he running with that vision? Remember, God decided Adam needed help once Adam got busy DOING his assignment. As we saw Adam, a man doesn't need help until he is busy doing what he was created and called to do. Is your guy guided by a sense of destiny and purpose, or does he just allow life to happen around him? A man who is not certain of his mission can be a most miserable person - and you'll be miserable too if you know where YOU want to go in life. A man who has vision is not intimidated by a woman whose mission statement is clear. He will be your best ally, cheerleader and assistant because he wants you both to make it! A man who cannot be a support of your achievements because he is floundering in a sea of uncertainty over his own life is not a healthy partner to have and to hold forever. Creating dependencies or feelings of obligation is not the way to get the best out of your man. Somewhere along the way, he will resent you and flee from the smothering burden of obligation he associates you with. You want a man who is firmly anchored in his identity in Christ. Remember, we are looking for a man who will be priest and leader of his home. His first instinct should be to want to cover you, redeem you, and provide for you. Your job is to decide if this is the man God has ordained for you to complement.

9. Complementary. Do your talents and gifts complement his? Do his gifts complement yours? What about your temperaments? Do you see the two of you as an effective team capable of bringing blessing to the lives of those around you? Do your futures mesh? Can you coordinate your gifts in an attractive and effective way? This is why knowing your purpose is so important. Make sure your hearts beat for mutual causes.

When I go shopping always consider the fabric, the fit and what I already have in my closet. Will my next purchase be a complementary addition to what I already have? If I find that I am going to have to buy shoes and matching accessories to go with a new outfit, I leave it right on the rack. It is too expensive a proposition. If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotional or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you are a priceless jewelry - because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time! Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable or that you have to work for love, is too expensive! God has called the man to cover, protect and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.

10. Does he have a healthy love & acceptance of himself? Make sure the man in your life has taken time to heal from past relationships and has made peace with himself. How he cares for himself is how he will care for you. A man's relationship with God is crucial here. His love for himself will only be as strong as his love for God. This is not something that you can impart. You cannot be his savior or teacher. That is out of spiritual order. In his rightful place as your personal priest, he should be leading you to a richer relationship with Christ. If he is causing you to compromise your faith and destabilize your walk, if he is leading you into sexual sin or causing you to be distracted from your commitment to Christ, the relationship is too expensive. Offending the Lover of your soul, who promises you eternal love, is too high a fare to pay for a ride that has a limited run. If you and your man can't soar in the Spirit, when the force of your love for another is tested by the pull or gravity of the world, your union will not be able to survive. So you decide. How much is your life worth? How much is your love worth? You will be able to accept only what you believe you deserve. God himself calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth His life. He now pledges you His love for eternity. Yes, Jesus sets the example for all others to follow when He paid a ransom for His bride. Should you expect less from a mortal man? Throughout the biblical age, men were willing to pay the cost for the hand that they desired. The truth of the matter is, everyone knows that anything worth having, costs. And no one gets a ride in this life for free.

Your prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day You present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to cast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice. In Jesus Name.

Amen.

stranger

Not that I would have cared. No, it is not the reason why I stopped. He gave a faint sigh, like the sigh of one who has a thousand stories to tell, but only a moment time left in one’s life, and not enough power to utter a single word clearly enough to be paid attention — to be respected by the listener.

In fact it was the sound of a piece of metal hitting the asphalt pavement that made me turn around. I had already passed the man, walking hastily — as I always do — in order to reach my destination in time. I had all the time in the world that evening (May 21, 2007). And I had nowhere to go — I just walked, as I always do, determined to get somewhere in time. No matter where.

But as I tried to pick my keys from the pocket of my black jacket, a small coin fell on the ground — making that tingling noise, the voice of one’s legal property being torn from one’s hands and given to strangers to trample underfoot. Why would I pick the keys from the pocket here, on the street, kilometers away from any door which the keys could open? It was the sense of security: wishing to be sure that the situation is completely in my control — that there is nothing which could hinder me from doing my will precisely in the way I prefer, precisely at the time I choose. — Like having lost one’s keys when one wishes to open a door.

Yes, I had heard right: there was a ten cents coin lying on the ground beside a man, a stranger to me, and seemingly a stranger to all the people who passed him on the pavement that afternoon. It was still summer, but it was the first warm and sunny evenings of the year were at hand. The day was all too beautiful to be wasted in talking to a complete stranger — who was not even handsome or beautiful, or good-looking — and listening to the obscure groans he uttered. Why should I care what he was trying to say, what kind of a burden he might have on his heart?

But the coin I did pick from the ground, and put it into the pocket of my fashionable black jacket. I was better off than the old man, who was sitting on the bench with a newspaper in his hands, murmuring something at me. I guess my income had to be twice better than what he got. And I looked more stylish — younger, healthier, more joyful.

The man grabbed the sleeve of my jacket and drew me closer to himself. It was surprising — such sudden demand of personal contact, intimacy that two strangers passing each other on the street do not often develop between themselves. I was curious to know what could come out of such an exceptional situation, I... I forgot to draw myself back, to forcefully free myself of the grip of the man and rush away.

The old man whisked his newspaper into my hands and said: ”Please read it for me.” I am not so sure what the words exactly were that he uttered from his mouth, but this is what I understood his meaning to be. The man was not blind: he could see both me and all the people who were walking on the street. But perhaps his sight was too weak for reading the small print of a newspaper.

I looked at the front page. It was dated four days ago. Disappointing. To waste a nice day in reading news that were no news any more. Isn’t it like throwing one’s coins away when one could as well buy candies with them? Or like sitting beside a stranger when one could as well walk free and lone on the street, hurrying somewhere — and then hurrying from that somewhere into another somewhere, and perhaps sit own in this somewhere, and be lone and free.

”Read the classified advertisements”, said my friend. — The old man whom I scarcely knew at all, but who had courageously and intrusively grabbed my sleeve, demanding me to pay attention to himself.

I opened the requested page, and, so... what then? Should I read aloud all the announcements, all these cats for sale, lost dogs wanted, motor vehicles rented, repaired, washed and painted?

Go to the miscellaneous section”, the man and pleaded.

Those ads were not so many, only fifteen or twenty. I was pleased to see that the effort of reading them would perhaps not be more than what I was ready to invest my energy in right then. In a monotonous, disinterested voice I recited announcement after announcement: second-hand bicycles, unused electronic devices, lost wedding ring…

”There! Read that one again, oh please”, said the man, filled with excitement.

My friend wanted to explain something to me. He leaned forward, getting his face close to my ear, and whispered: ”It is the ring of my mistress. She lost it a month ago. Oh! What a sorrowful thing it was, to find out that the ring which you have carried for five decades cannot be found from anywhere. I bought it at Dahl jewelry shop, I can still remember how the saleswoman was dressed that morning. In pink, that’s what it was, in soft, charming pink... But the shop isn’t there any more. I think they went bankrupt soon after the bombing situation in Gensan City. Such a pity, it was a nice little store. And we have our fiftieth anniversary on Sunday.”

It was Sunday yesterday. The man didn’t say more about his wife or the wedding ring, he only brushed his grey hair with a plastic comb. There was a cute mixture of old and new in him — a mixture of the past and the present, years gone by and years currently created before our eyes.

”I think I will go and buy a bunch of roses”, the grey-haired gentleman said. ”I’ll ask the saleswoman to choose beautiful ones. What do you think, will she be dressed in light pink? Just like the lady at Dahl jewelry shop. But my mistress, she wore a dark dress this morning. That’s how you can tell that a woman is getting old... They wear darker clothes. No, I will tell my darling to wear something brighter this evening.”

The man stood up and started to slowly walk into the direction of the gas station. There was a distinguished air of nobility in him. Something that cannot be purchased with money, or won in a lottery. Was he stylish? Yes — he was not like the laughing youngsters in the advertisements, but there was something else in him, something more admirable, more valuable.

I still held the newspaper in my hands when the old gentleman disappeared behind the corner of one of the houses. I didn’t open or read the paper any more, I only sat in silence on the bench. Time was the only thing that moved, everything else stood still. Should I... arise and leave?

I was afraid to do that. I leaned back in the bench and stared into the horizon. I did not want to walk away, hurrying into a direction chosen at random, on the impulse of one moment. I wished that when I would get up and leave, perhaps I would know for sure where I am going, and what I want.

And it’s just that everything starts with a voice in our heads that says I want to do this. But things can only come true if you listen to another that says "go ahead –you’ll never know until you try".

There are people who bring us down. And there are people who give us hope, encourage us to dream our dreams, and help us to do more than we thought we could. Courage –to try things out, to take chances, to overcome difficulties (and make good things happen), and darn it, jut to get things done. Then of course, there’s love for what we do and for other people. And most importantly, it’s attitude.

The measure of greatness is when you learn how to discipline yourself in every aspect of your life. The number of people whose lives you’ve touched in a good way. Not being caught up in the trappings of success, because these things will not define you as an individual. At the end of the day, you’ll still be the same person, and all that will matter is that you have a good heart.

It is the passion of my life: to be in full control of the events — to be able to do everything precisely in the way I want, exactly at the time I choose.

.

.

_asheLy

young heart

To tell the story of courtship, I must begin at the very start--when I was a baby. Yes, I said 'baby.' As soon as I was born, my parents began praying for my future mate. Daily through all my growing-up years they prayed for his childhood, his salvation, his growth in Christ. Little did they know that a family 500 miles away was also praying for their son's future wife!

When I turned thirteen, my mother started me praying for my husband. Not that he'd be rich or handsome (though I must confess I sneaked in a few petitions that he wouldn't look like a gorilla!), but that he would know Christ, desire to serve him, and wait for me. At the same time, Mom told me about a letter she had written to herself when she was thirteen. She sealed it to be opened when she turned eighteen and kept it in a box for herself. That letter contained a list of the qualities she wanted in a husband--the things she would wait for. Inspired, I wrote a similar list and a letter and sealed them up, but I marked the envelope for opening on my twenty-first birthday. The letter lay safe in a little keepsake trunk, nearly forgotten through my high school years. In the meantime, I prayed when I remembered to for the one I would marry. But my parents continued to pray for him every day.

I didn't date anyone when I was in high school, and it wasn't just because I was raised righteously with full of discipline and a courtesy of a young lady or because my parents believed in "courtship." They hadn't really thought about it at that point. But they raised three kids who didn't date by choice all the same. It just didn't make sense to us as we watched friends get involved with someone, get hurt, and break up--over and over and over again. Our youth group was full of kids who fell in and out of relationships without managing to hold on to many friends. Mom and Dad encouraged us instead to be friends with anyone we could, whether male or female. They reminded us to wait on the Lord's timing and be content where He had us. That doesn't mean we were never lonely. It doesn't mean I never wished someone would ask me out. I'm human! God places the desire in our hearts for companionship. It takes work to focus that desire on our families and friends without falling into the "dating" trap. I know it would be especially difficult for a person who isn't a part of a close-knit, loving family.

No matter how difficult it is, though, I believe it is crucial to commit our desires and needs to God. God doesn't want His people to be miserable or frustrated! He wants to do His will through them. Aside from salvation, committing to a life partner is the next most important decision anyone makes. It is not something to be done lightly or without a lot of prayer. And young adults need to support each other in this, not tear each other down. I am convinced that the high divorce rate in this nation comes in large part from the dating culture we've built. (By "dating," I mean serial relationships, not just stopping for a cup of coffee with a member of the opposite sex.) Dating creates the mindset that I can get out of a relationship as soon as it doesn't meet my needs, my desires, my wants, and my agenda. We try people on like they were clothing with a money-back guarantee! This does not honor the other person or God, who created each individual in His image. It is selfish and assumes we will always have things the way we want them when we want them.

So we come around to courtship. Let me say right off that I don't see courtship as an alternative to dating. In my opinion, dating should be out of the question. "Courtship" (or "family-centered relating" or whatever you like to call it) is something entirely different. It is not the "biblical" way to meet the opposite sex or go out. That would miss the point entirely. Courtship first is a completely new mindset--one that erases the old "get a date or be a geek" mentality. This takes some doing if you've been brought up to view dating as the normal way to find a mate. It begins with the decision to commit each day to God and His calling on my life. It comes with the knowledge that God has already chosen the person I am to marry (if I am to marry). It is the realization that I can never be content married until I am content single. If I live in despair because I don't have a "significant other," then I have not learned to lean on God. And do note that the word "courtship" gets thrown around a lot these days by parents and others eager to dump dating, but it's not the name that's important--it is the principle of the thing, whatever buzzword is used.

But let me get back to the story. I went to college with my head in the clouds. Because my parents had met at college, I was sure I would find my future mate there. Sure thing, one came but didn’t work out that way. I had promised Mom and Dad that if anyone asked me out, I would tell him he had to talk with my dad first. I had committed my college time to the Lord and was prepared to follow his leading. I had a lot of friends at school, both guys and gals. The guys treated me like a sister and protected me from any "creeps." My brother had lots of friends, and we spent some time together we could. My second year was fabulous, with even more friends than before. And, yes, there were a lot of neat guys at school that I liked, but I kept my promise to remain focused on God and not go looking around for "The One."

As the time passed by and the year rolled around, I was beginning to wonder where this guy could be! I had never been asked out by any of the “nice guys”, and, even though I didn't want to date, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. Lots of my friends got asked out. But guys treated me like I was a relative or something. Don't get me wrong--this was all very nice! I just wondered if there ever would be anyone for me. Finally, I asked my brother if he knew why no one asked me out. He said, "You're intimidating." I was shocked. ME? Intimidating? I thought that was the craziest thing I'd ever heard! I asked a close girl friend what my brother meant, and she told me that guys would never dream of treating me the way they treated other girls, because they knew I had standards I wouldn't let down. They knew I was waiting for the best. I couldn't believe it. I had never told anyone those things. I'd talked with some of my girlfriends about my ideals, sure, but certainly not the guys! But they knew. My brother said it was just obvious. Guys felt protective of me. Some who didn't like me as well, called me the "Snow Queen," implying that I was just too cold to ever go out with anyone. Ouch!

It was that year that I opened the letter I'd written to myself at age thirteen. I laughed and laughed. What a child I had been, I thought. An impossible dreamer! Here is the list of qualities I had written:

1. He will be a Catholic or a Christian and desire to be the spiritual leader of our family.
2. He will love God more than he loves me and will want to serve Him.
3. He will be at least either two years older or younger than me.
4. He will have a great sense of humor and love old movies.
5. He will want to raise as many children as the Lord chooses to bless us with.
6. He will want me to be a stay-at-home mom.
7. He will play at least one musical instrument.
8. He will love history and reading and writing.
9. He will be nice looking...at least to me, if no one else thinks so.
10. He will love his family and mine.
11. He will like to eat broccoli.
12. He will sweep me off my feet, but only after he has won my family's approval.

Broccoli? Had I been out of my mind when I wrote that list? I laughed until I cried. I must've been crazy. There wasn't one guy on the planet who came anywhere close to fitting this list! No guys I knew wanted lots of kids. No guys I knew wanted their wife to stay at home--they all wanted two incomes, big houses and cars. No guys I knew played a musical instrument and loved history. I had made up an ideal man who would never exist. So I folded the list back into the envelope and decided God probably hadn't taken it seriously either.

Once I graduated from college, I decided I would never marry. It hadn't all happened the way I'd imagined four years before, so I told my parents I was sure God was calling me to be single. It didn't matter that I'd always wanted to be a wife and mother. I could serve in an orphanage in Africa and have lots of kids around me. I could be a teacher. I could baby-sit for the rest of my life! But God knew me from the womb. He had planned my life before I had a life to call my own. He had everything ready, but He was waiting for the right time.

So I began my full-time job and made new friends. Well-meaning childhood friends pitied my unmarried state and tried to match me up with "eligible" guys, but I resisted. I was determined to be content where God had me and not look for Mr. Right. I told my parents I had grown cynical at college. I thought all guys (except for ones I was related to) were jerks. Secretly, I wanted to believe in that list I'd written, but I felt silly telling anyone that. I wanted to wait for the best, though it looked as though that was a fantasy. A year passed--one of the most wonderful years yet. God brought people into my life who were readying me for The One, though I didn't realize it at the time, of course. Everything that happened added on to what God had been doing throughout my life. My interests in Law and reading intensified. Although I'd always been fascinated by the Civil War, I became passionately interested in Politics. Little did I know. God does have a sense of humor--and impeccable timing.

I believe that this young heart deserves the right timing, for a fact the there’s nothing wrong with being single. It’s actually nice to be free. The whole world sees that I can take care of myself. But honestly, I wouldn’t mind having someone who would walk me home… I wouldn’t mind letting someone hold me when I’m just too weak to go on. It’s nice to be free but I wouldn’t mind being bound to someone who loves me as me.

And for all good times sake, this young heart still I sailed along in oblivion.
_asheLy